Flashback: Fire in the Hole

It was one of those times, the ones you fear but know are inevitable. No warning, no lead-up, just the immediate need for a restroom, RIGHT NOW. The worst thing? I was a long, long way from the nearest sitter. Some day, I am going to have to accept that squatters are as unavoidable as they are unfortunate, and embracing China means embracing the squatter (1).

The Chinese have a very pragmatic approach to bodily waste management, an approach founded on a negative answer to the most basic of hygiene questions, ‘Should a bathroom experience be a pleasant experience?’ (2) They tend to be cramped, poorly lit, infrequently cleaned, and most pertinent to this story, BYOTP (3). Unfortunately, while the first three characteristics are immediately and immanently clear upon entry, the final fact is something you all too often don’t find out until it is too late. As was the case with me.

And so it was that I found myself in a bit of a predicament, as it were. I have always been amazed at the clarity with which and the speed at which one’s mind can operate when in times of crises. Unfortunately, no amount of clear, fast thinking would conjure up any toilet paper. There was, however, a hose.

I’m doing my best to keep this PG, so you’ll just have to fill in the blanks. Suffice to say that there are all kinds of crazy angles and vectors to consider. In some ways it was like a strange game of air hockey, with very serious consequences. Never before in my life had I been forced to ponder the refractory angle of a buttcheek. My sincere hope is that never again would I need to repeat my calculations.

My personal trauma behind (4) me, life went on, as it so often does. Though time may have dulled the memory, one thing will always remain with me: My toilet paper.


(1) Disturbing imagery, I know. But it’s a disturbing thought. The plan was to compensate by having a virtual map of Beibei in my head, with little mental markers of every single sitter in Beibei. The reality was that my mental markers consisted of the international student dorms at the north end of campus, and the teacher apartments at the south end.
(2) I have heard that our society ladies powder their noses in luxury, surrounded by frills and couches and fragrant perfumes. Taking inspiration from the Chinese ideas about cosmic balance, one might say that the Chinese bathrooms are the yin to the aforementioned yang.
(3) Bring Your Own Toilet Paper. Really? You can’t figure that one out?
(4) Te he he.